I am a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl. Structure is not my nature. Yet I thrive in structure, as long as it is the kind of structure that breaks for fun and refocussing types of things. Things like watching a great movie, doing yoga in nature, or traveling to Germany.

So I have a morning routine. It is set up with time frames for each thing I want to accomplish for the day. i.e; prayer, meditation/yoga, listening to an audio book, write in gratitude journal, exercise, etc. It starts me feeling productive from the get, so it starts me on a natural high or push to keep going. Kinda like when you go and wash the dishes because you can’t stand to look at them anymore, and then you end up not only doing the dishes, but you clean out drawers and cupboards and the pantry and it just keeps going because you feel so accomplished and you don’t want that feeling to end. When I get on a roll like that, I don’t stop because I accomplish so much on days like that. And then I am so proud of myself after. The kind of proud that you want someone to put a star on your forehead and tell you how great you are kind of proud. Now that I am writing this, I am realizing that it has been a while since I have been on one of those kinds of cleaning rolls. Guess it’s time to get back to the sink.

I tell you this because structure does not come natural to me. Yet I always have big plans, fun plans, and boy can I throw a killer party. And grand has to be the main stage of that party. So I can be structured when I am highly motivated to accomplish something that speaks to my heart. So when I have learned that when certain things happen in my life and I don’t think I handled them well, I have often thought about how to change that outcome. I am so spontaneous naturally, that auto reaction comes easy to me. So if I want a different outcome to situations that come to me, and I don’t like my quick response to them, I best decide ahead of time how I am going to handle them when they come. Now I know we can not know what is going to be thrown at us at each given moment. Life has a way of trying to throw things at us to throw us off, to challenge what we believe and how in the moment we are going to react, act or be in that moment. I have plenty of moments that I would ask for a do over if given the chance, but not if that meant losing what I learned from that experience. So I have decided to decide ahead of time what I will do in certain situations, regardless of how different they seem to be.

Let me explain that last statement. I have learned that life seems to throw things at us that seem to be so different from the last trial. Then there are the repeaters, which obviously show that we haven’t learned the lesson it has for us. I am loving that I am feeling more and more empowered at the depth of the knowledge that I truly do get to choose how I feel about everything. I have seen how I have been trained that I am supposed to feel a certain way about things, so when situations come up, I get to challenge that. What beliefs have I taken on that aren’t working for me? I guess that is a topic for another blog, but something to think about anyway.

I have a basic set of morals that I don’t compromise. Like integrity in all I do and say. I question myself in this area all the time because I want to make sure my moral compass is still in alignment with all I feel is good and right. Morals bring me joy. They do not define me because I get to be truly amazing just because I am, but values are in alignment with who I am and being in alignment with that brings me joy because I am balanced between spirit and body, if that makes sense to you.

So it’s like this. Just the other day, this was challenged and I had to get clear on what level I will choose to raise myself to and maintain, and I don’t mean that self righteous kind of place. I mean that personal place that means and feels like all is good and right because I am honoring myself with how I live, by conscious and sub conscious living. I had my hot tub up for sale. I had some pretty good what I would call con artists come to try and dicker the price down with me (is dicker even a word? …been saying it my whole life). But this is a whole new level of dicker and it is where I would question ones integrity. So this person asks me if I am the one selling a hot tub that has a faulty computer panel. He said he had a friend who looked at a hot tub just like mine in the same area and it had a faulty panel. This took me off guard, and I told him no, that everything works good on it. But then there was a feeling left in the air that there was potential dishonesty going on on my part. Later on in text and email, when he attempted to “dicker” the price down with me, he offered me an extremely low offer, to the point that back in the day I would have been insulted. He “implied” that for him to fix any potential issues with the panel, pay to have the tub moved, etc., he would need the amount lowered to cover those expenses. Don’t ya just love how he slipped in “having the panel fixed”, as if that were the truth and I was being dishonest and was therefore on the defense and should feel the need to defend my integrity by honoring his lower price offer.

It took me some time away from the situation to get clear on what he was doing, because I trust people automatically. But I have this ability, (which I believe we all do depending on how well we listen) to feel when dishonesty is in front of me. I did not end up selling to this person, but the next people that came to look at it were a bit off as well. They were great people, don’t get me wrong, but when I mentioned to them another person who was interested that had called and told me he had cash in hand, he tilted his head as if I were saying that to manipulate him into paying full price. Once again, a distrustful energy came into the situation. They left and our conversation kept on in text form, of which he offered another incredibly low offer because of other more cosmetically appealing options. I kindly told him that those offers most likely would be better for him, truly meaning that, and then he came back with a different spin with a bit of a higher offer, of which I did not accept, and we went back and forth, with him going against what he agreed to pay up front, and so on and so on, with his several attempts at so called valid reasons why he should pay less, until he ended up paying what I originally said my bottom line price was. And let me be clear, these were great people, and they honored their end of the deal we made, they just operated from a different place than I operate from during negotiations and that is ok.

I tell you all of this because when I accepted the offer, another buyer came with the offer to pay full price. It came to a profit of $200 more. So my question was do I accept that offer because the other person had not paid for it yet, even though I agreed to his offer of $200 less. I had to really question my integrity here. I am troubled by people not holding their word at a high value, so I did not want to be a hypocrite. The thoughts of how dishonest the person I made the deal with was, came into my mind. I had to question a couple things there. First of all, does it matter the level of honesty they came from when it came to where my integrity was in play with them in return? Secondly, on a higher level of awareness, I did not have to own the thought that I did not have to keep my word to them because they were dishonest with me. That thought came into my head, but I did not have to own the thought as my perspective. I could simply say “that is an interesting perspective that I had that perspective”, and then move in the direction that was in alignment with who I am.

I did not sell to the higher offer. It was most important to me that I keep my word than it was that I made another $200. So my responsibility is to own that one of my values in integrity, and I have decided ahead of time, that regardless of the situation put in front of me, I will not do anything that will go against being anything less than integral in all of my doings, to the best of my ability. That is my DECIDE TO DECIDE for this type of thing. Had I not decided ahead of time what mattered to me about integrity, it may not have even raised a flag to question myself to what I would do in that moment. I was prepared because I already decided what my decision would be when the opportunity came to present itself. I was not caught off guard because I wasn’t prepared. Does that mean there won’t be times when I won’t be caught off guard, nope! I know there will continue to be those, but I have basic sets of values and even though they get challenged in many different situations, the basic values always stay the same. So when situations arise, I already know where I stand and I can hold strong to what matters most.

It was a seminary class I attended in high school, from a seminary teacher that we called Brother Loss. He taught a class that was called, “Decide to Decide” and it stayed with me. Even though I didn’t apply it always over the years, some of it I did, and I never forgot it. That poor guy, I sure gave him a run for his money. Those of you who are reading this who grew up with me, remember well what a handful I was. I was hyper and aggressive at times and basically a challenge to every teacher. I was one of those kids where the teacher most likely winced when I walked in the room. I wasn’t a bad kid, I just had no clue how valuable I was and was always looking for validation, but often in ways that just brought more negativity in my life. I see kids like how I was today, and really get them. That is after I quit owning my first thoughts of judgement about them and get in touch with who they really are.

I hope this post didn’t come across as preachy and if it did I apologize. I am learning so much about myself and what matters and how often I empower what doesn’t matter. I am getting much better at judging between the two. I know that as much as I ask for help both quietly within myself, and even out loud, things are brought into my life to teach me where I am lost, where I could do better and where I could love more. I know that when I shift to a place of love, that is where I soar in learning. That is where I hear new messages that I couldn’t hear or understand before. That is where people I didn’t really understand before, lessons I didn’t learn and a world I felt lost in started to make sense. I feel hope for an amazing future. I feel hope for the depth of love I feel for complete so called strangers around me. Daily I like me more, and I have a feeling that me liking me more, is opening me up to receiving more love, from sources I never knew love could come from. And that my friends, has made all the difference. I have now accelerated to a new level of existence, a new playing field, a new and higher awareness. Since arriving at this place, a whole new world of possibilities is coming to me that I didn’t even know existed, or perhaps, maybe I did. I just started really listening.

Now, I am playing with these new possibilities. Whew! What is next? My birthday is tomorrow, what a great gift to me. That sounded kinda corny, in fact it seems the last part of this post turned kinda corny. I guess that makes me kinda corny. Hmmm, what do I think of that? Corny is kind of “not cool,” ya know? I don’t know, maybe I am not so cool  anymore. But I do know this, I know how to love now like I wasn’t conscious of before and it feels darn good, so if that isn’t cool, I guess I’m not and that is cool with me. Now how can it get better than this? Hmmm…..

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