Another Awakening, Even After 22 Kids

As I sit here and ponder all that is in my heart tonight, my head goes in so many different directions. The whys to explain why I am here writing tonight, when it would be so nice to have my head on the pillow right now: My daughter Xandri, who can’t seem to shut her mind off and go to sleep before midnight without a fight every night. The fan that is swishing overhead to cool our room from an overly warm January day of 72 degrees (well to be fair, we do live in AZ now so it is probably not overly warm for this area). And a constant knock at my door with just one more question of something someone needs that has to be answered right now.  I am reminded of the big picture and why any of this matters in the first place. It matters because I am here to make a big difference in this world and I am certainly not going to do it by sleeping away my days, thinking of all of the somedays I will have, with no plan to get off my duff and actually do something.

AnotherAwakening

I have to be completely raw here and tell you the mix of things that transpired to get me off of my duff. My husband Jay is sick. Really sick. In fact, we don’t have insurance right now so we can’t do anymore testing to see what is wrong with him. He has a long history of surgeries and illnesses, so him being sick is not a new thing to me. But out of the blue his whole body started hurting. All of his body. Every nerve, every joint, every muscle. With all of the research I was doing, it leaned towards possibly being Fibromyalgia. So we started changing how we eat. I am already a nutrition freak, so I already had him on an array of supplements, all researched out of course. Then it got complicated. He started passing out. Oh but did he tell me about it? Nope! He passed out 3 or 4 times in about a month period before he decided it might be something that would be of interest to me. He said he realized that he down plays things. Oh ya think?! I understand this actually because when something really scary comes to me, I think I might down play it too. So now he has passed out about half a dozen times and we have no understanding as to why. To back up a bit, in 1999 and 2000, he had two brain surgeries because he had a cyst grow on his brain stem twice.

I still have 9 of my 22 children at home, and I homeschool, so me working out of the home didn’t come to my mind. Until he got sick and quit working anyway. I had a small clientele back when we lived in CO and I was “comfortable” but I was not really living into what I consider a vision of making a big difference in the world. But I am a big believer that there is something much bigger than us. I believe that God loves us and is waiting for us to figure out how amazing we are so we will go to Him with that knowledge and then He can REALLY use us to make that big difference.

Jay getting sick is not a motivator for my type of personality. You would think it would be for most, but I don’t work like that. I can’t live “bigger” because I feel forced or because it’s “the right thing to do.” No, I have to be compelled. I have to feel a calling much deeper and I can now see how things have and are coming together to make me step into my big girl shoes.

So I am busting my chops, working hard to get my website up, FB page up with content, Blog written with a few interesting things in it (which is pretty good from a girl who thinks she doesn’t like to write) and make contents, set goals and live into them and keep (or get) organized so I can make it all happen. Each day I am amazed at how it is all unfolding. It is almost like an out of body experience to watch me complete all of these tasks when procrastination was always my game. To feel a steady drive to move forward and complete the next task. To see and feel as if this is natural to me when it never has been until now. What has happened? What has made the change? Is the girl I have always been until now the girl I really am or am I the new me or is this another level of who I am. Was I asleep until now because I know there are many times I felt asleep. There are also many times I felt very alive, but alone in that feeling. I’m not sure if any of this is making any sense, but it is what is real for me right now. I know the girl I was could never do what I am doing now, so maybe I really was asleep. I have 22 children and I did that in my sleep? I am learning things now that I can’t even explain in words, but I get them in my spirit and mind. I understand that everything around us in energy and that our thoughts direct and create that energy. All of what I feel changes everything around me. Does that sound crazy? I know it might to some. I know in a split second I can change how I feel and go from miserable to absolute bliss just because I chose it. I do it all the time. I practice it. I remember the days as a little girl and I would lie on the lawn and watch the clouds roll by and make shapes and figures out of them and fell completely free and almost, if not exactly, euphoric. I can choose to fill that in a moments notice if I want to. I know that if I’m feeling angry or sad about something, in a split second I can change that and feel true joy. I also know that changing to move my feelings into the positive completely changes the flow of all that is in motion of what is coming to me. I also know that if I get or stay in the negative, it changes all that was in motion to me that was good and stops that flow and changes the direction of what was once going to be mine.

Everything is energy and it took me hearing about that and it resonating with me, letting that sit for a while, testing it out, researching it, testing it some more, and learning to believe on many different levels before it started to clearly present itself to me. I used to almost worship, or definitely put those who knew and used this knowledge, and could bring many amazing things into their lives, up on a pedestal. Now I realize that this is something available to us all. If someone is seeking this knowledge, they will attract, and find themselves with someone or something that will teach it to them further. These are universal laws that show themselves to us everyday, and those who want to know, those who believe, will be shown more, and more and more and who knows where it will take them. It takes courage to live this way simply because many will think it is nuts because it is not something seen. It is something felt and then felt very deeply and then proven, but in a way that is hard to be put into words. Just like while I am writing this now, it is as if I am not fully in the conscious mind to flow like this with what I am saying. Or maybe I am just really tired, but it feels really right to me and very true.

4 Responses to “Another Awakening, Even After 22 Kids

  • I just found your blog from the Large Family Facebook group. It looks great! I look forward to checking back and learning from you! I have seven children, my story of tubal reversal is on my blog and how we ended up with seven, so far! Nice to “meet” you here on the web!

    • Thanks Jennifer. I appreciate your feedback. I am so new to this and hope it gets better in time. Let me know what you want to hear from me if there is something specific you are curious about.

  • Hey Misty,

    So great to see you writing and getting past your procrastination. You are here to shine and I applaud you for doing what you do. I only have the one child and it’s hard fitting everything in, so you my dear are AWESOME.

    Looking forward to reading more of your posts. I think you will resonate with my new blog so feel free to join my weekly newsletter.

    Thanks,

    Beth :)

    • Thank you Beth. I just posted another post from this morning. Quite a vulnerable one too, I might add. I am going hiking now to refuel, and my eyes are burning from crying with my kids after I wrote it. You will understand what I mean when you read it. I feel terrific after that clearing. It is a beautiful day. Much love my friend.

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